I always feel a little jealous of women who are natural dancers. I’m the type who likes to ugly-dance for fun and I normally don’t care if I look like a chicken on roller skates because I love doing it. But sometimes when I see other women twirling and jumping and moving so gracefully, I can’t help but wish I could do the same.
Some time ago, my mom got me to try ballroom dancing. I ended up really enjoying it because the dance instructor she recommended to me was so good. He just made me do simple steps over and over, then would gently nudge and pull me in the right direction, making turns and hand changes, etc. I would just follow his cues and he never forced me into a direction or move that I would feel uncomfortable doing. Miraculously, when I caught glimpses of myself in the mirror, I thought I looked pretty good!
After that enjoyable experience, I tried it another time with an instructor who wasn’t as adept. Sometimes I couldn’t tell which direction he wanted to go, so I’d end up tripping over his feet or bumping into other people. He wouldn’t cue the next move so sometimes I would just stop and wonder what I was supposed to do next. One time I accidentally stomped on his foot and he rolled his eyes at me. Needless to say, that wasn’t the most fun I’ve ever had.
Another time, I saw a dance instructor who was so hyperactive, it looked like the woman he was dancing with was just a prop to make himself look amazing.
Yesterday, we had a guest speaker named Kevin Philips at Fellowship of the Emirates. The day’s message was entitled “As Goes The Father, So Goes The Family.” It was a thought-provoking message about how important a father’s legacy is to the entire family. It made me feel even more grateful that I grew up with a father I can be proud of, one who led our family spiritually, who provided for us, who loves, respects and cherishes my mother, who spent so much quality time with us. I have way too many friends whose relationships with their fathers are awful or non-existent.
What does this have to do with dancing, you ask?
Well, I think the logic of looking and waiting for the right dance partner is the same as that of the right husband and possible future father of your children.
Ephesians 5:22-33 is a passage in scripture that I used to have a hard time with. I have many feminist ideas that I still hold fast to: equality with men in the workplace, being allowed to take leadership roles, women’s opinions holding equal value to men’s. So I found the idea of submission to a man, just for being a woman, repulsive.
But if you read the entire passage, it actually shows the beauty of an ideal marriage (take note: between a husband and wife, not between all men and all women). A wife would have no problem following and respecting a man who loves her and regards her as much as his own body. I remember Pastor Sameh Maurice who was also a guest at our church a few months ago who said a marriage is a covenant relationship, not a contract relationship. In a contract relationship, each person is expected to put in 50% of the deal. Chances are, each person will give only as much as he or she observes the other to be giving, keeping score and not wanting to be the one coming up short. In a covenant relationship, each person aims to give 100%. It points to our relationship with Christ.
I have seen this kind of relationship in my parents. It is by no means a perfect marriage, but it is not a dysfunctional one. I see how my dad leads, not in an overbearing, domineering way, but in a loving and thoughtful one. I have seen my mom following, not in a subservient or self-demeaning way, but in a respectful and trusting one. They make up for each other’s weaknesses. They complement each other’s strengths.
It’s the same in a dance between two people. If the woman knows that the man knows how to lead, she will trust and follow him. If he knows that she will follow, he will think about what will make them both look best, and gently cue the next move, not forcing her to do something she is not comfortable with. When one stumbles, the other doesn’t roll their eyes or leave the dance floor, he or she takes their partner’s hand again and keeps going. They don’t keep arguing about whose fault it was, but rather, focus on finishing the dance beautifully. They convey passion and emotion, even if they may not be feeling that way inside.
If either looks dead and emotion-less, it will be boring. If both try to lead, they will be pulling in different directions. If one is dancing a tango while the other is trying to dance a foxtrot, it will end disastrously. If one focuses only on making himself or herself look good, the other will have to struggle to keep up, or feel let down.
The right partner is essential. Being the follower is scary. It means being humble and vulnerable. That’s why I’m so picky: I know what my non-negotiables are, and what my deal-breakers are. A lot of people don’t understand it, and that’s okay.
I know I’ve talked about this many times before, but sometimes it helps to remind yourself, especially when the people around you seem to be pressuring you to lower your standards, in addition to occasional pangs of loneliness. Unless I find someone I can trust enough to willfully follow 100%, I’m content doing my ugly-dance by myself. I may look like a chicken on roller skates and people may laugh and point, but hey, at least it’s fun and free! 🙂
