You usually don’t expect to hear wisdom from your baby sister, but there you go.
These past few weeks have been therapeutic, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Maybe it had something to do with turning 30, maybe it had something to do with Robin Williams’ suicide which led to my confession of my own past struggles with depression, maybe it had something to do with finally having a solid support system here in Dubai, but it definitely had everything to do with God dealing with all the baggage I’ve been carrying for so long.
For as long as I can remember, pride has always been my greatest character flaw. Since arriving in Dubai, I know God has been chiseling away at this stubborn weight that I insist on carrying. He put me in a job that forces me to control my temper and humble myself in front of very unpleasant individuals, in a city full of people who make me feel small and insignificant, and led me to a church and small group which are slowly helping me to take down the walls I’d built around myself.
For over a decade, pride kept adding to the anger I had stored up in my heart, a result of being unable to forgive, being unable to accept that I had been lied to, fooled and hurt. I didn’t realize just how heavy it had become, masking its size with the valid ideas of independence and nonconformity but ultimately ignoring the larger problem at hand.
It’s made me guarded and cynical and numb. That’s not the purpose that God created me for. A life without passion is a life wasted.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to go out and start doing stupid things again. I spent the first half of my 20s doing the dumbest things imaginable, and the next half being way too cautious. I think there’s a healthy middle of being happy exactly where you are, while being more open to other possibilities as well.
It’s a leap of faith: to give everything up to God, knowing that whatever He has in store is ultimately better than anything I could ever dream of. I’ve simply agreed to undergo an “open-heart surgery”.
20 And a woman who had been suffering from a hemorrhage for twelve years, came up behind Him and touched the fringe of His cloak; 21 for she was saying to herself, “If I only touch His garment, I will get well.” 22 But Jesus turning and seeing her said, “Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well.” At once the woman was made well.
Matthew 9:20-22
