In the past 5 years I’ve given up several habits, a few of which are cigarettes, red meat…and men (haha).
I’ve just started purging yet another addiction, this time my longest-standing one, one I’ve had since I was a child.
Sugar.
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I have an extreme sweet tooth. Cookies, cakes, chocolates, pies, custard, caramel popcorn, and especially ice cream (often in a combination of 2 or more of these) – these are my ultimate weaknesses. Despite having gone through many weight-loss regimens, I was never willing to cut out sweets. After this, giving up cigarettes will probably seem like a walk in the park by comparison.
The individual quests to rid myself of what I considered dead weight in my life all have 3 things in common:
1) They came after my life-changing decision to follow Christ in 2007 (though not immediately after)
2) I quit cold-turkey
3) I wrote extensively about each one on social media.
So far, this system has not failed me.
I started smoking cigarettes when I was 15 years old, hiding with a classmate in an unused shower room where we used to hide our increasingly-stale stash, and alone in the forest at the back of our high school. It was mostly about control, something I could do in secret, something that was dangerous and forbidden and nobody could do anything about. I smoked on and off since then, but really got hooked when I first moved to Manila in 2005. I no longer lived under the watchful eye of my parents so I began smoking regularly, at home, during breaks at the office, while out with friends. At one point I was smoking a whole pack in the span of 2 days. While I was dating another smoker, I decided to quit for health reasons (though I would occasionally still take a drag from my boyfriend’s cigs). That lasted over a year, outliving the relationship. But some time later when a friend of mine told me about a new variety of Marlboros targeted at the female market and asked if I wanted to try it, I thought “What’s the harm?” and I lit up. Within a week I was buying them by the pack again.
It wasn’t until 2010 when the weight of my addiction finally reached the breaking point. After a particularly smokey road trip with friends, I got very sick. That same week, my aunt – whose first name I share – died of lung cancer. That was the wake-up call I needed. I knew I couldn’t do it for good on my own, so I prayed for divine intervention. I quit cold turkey, and despite the terrible withdrawal symptoms and the subsequent weight gain, I have not touched a cigarette since.
Having Jesus in my life has given me the strength to do things I never thought I could. This is why my favorite verse of scripture is the title of this blog entry: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Knowing this actually frees me up to rely entirely on His strength, not mine, because I know I’m weak. It’s a paradox, but by admitting my weakness, He has made me strong in my weakness.
Quitting cold turkey leaves no room for bargaining. Of course with red meat, I now allow myself to have it occasionally (in particular when I go home for vacation, heehee) because it’s not bad in sporadic, small doses. But at the beginning, I needed to shut the door on it just to stop myself from thinking I needed it. And it was the same with dating.
I broke up with my boyfriend in 2008, 3 days after Valentine’s Day. That was the last real relationship I would have, but he was not the last man I would be with. Of the things I was addicted to, this was, in my opinion, the most destructive. I grew up awkward and geeky, and I was never “the pretty one”, whether in the family or in any group of friends. So I was flabbergasted when at a certain point in my life, there were attractive guys who were actually attracted to me. I was addicted to the validation, as lame as that sounds. There is nothing in this life that has made me feel emptier than seeking it and bargaining for it with things I didn’t realize were so precious, from people who did not love or value me. I was willing to endure heartache and humiliation for a few stolen moments of hollow happiness, a sweet candy coating on nothing but air.
At that time, I was already a Christian but I had a long way to go (I still do). One day in 2009, after that one last encounter that left me feeling empty and worthless, I again turned to the only One who could take that burden from me. And again, He was faithful. I have still struggled with temptation since then but I remain celibate to this day, not only by my will, but by His. I thank God for protecting my heart all these years.
Posting about my battles online (I documented my struggle with nicotine on Friendster, with men on Multiply, and with red meat on Facebook) holds me accountable. Being able to come out and admit the areas where I am weak laid me bare, and that enabled me to challenge and push myself. Some people are a bit put off at how open I am about these things, but I don’t believe in pretending to be perfect … then or now. That would belittle the amazing, undeserved grace that God has given me, the worst of sinners.
The road ahead seems so treacherous, narrow and long. I know I’ll still stumble along the way, often. Yet I know that my joy is now no longer rooted in validation, nor comfortable habits, nor pleasurable things on this earth, which are meant to be temporary as they are enjoyable.
This might seem a little garrulous, considering the topic at hand was initially something as trivial as a sugar-free diet, but in the end, it’s all about recognizing the things that have become happiness-patches in a heart with a God-shaped hole in it, and putting them in their proper place. Funnily enough, the more I cling to God, the looser my grip is on everything else. Desire, pleasure, freedom; these are not evil things. But they could never take the place of the One who created them.
And with that, I’d like to end with this video of my dad and sister singing “He’s Been Faithful”. I’m afraid you won’t be able to see it if we’re not friends on Facebook though. Otherwise, I hope you enjoy and take it to heart. Indeed, He has been faithful to me.
