At the church service yesterday Pastor Jim asked a question: What is the single most important word in any family? I immediately thought the answer would be “LOVE”, and (especially since it was Valentine’s Day) several people in the congregation murmured the same guess. But he surprised me with his answer.
FORGIVENESS.
There were several quotes in the sermon that really got to me.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
– Mark Twain
Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.
– Lily Tomlin
Bitterness is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die.
– John Ortberg Jr.
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
– Matthew 6:14-15
It got me reflecting on my habit of holding on to resentment from the past, some against members of my own family, some against old bullies and former loved ones who betrayed and hurt me.
I realized that forgiveness and “being ok” are not just about moving on and living your life. It’s not a feeling, that just because you no longer actively think about it or feel angry all the time, that you have forgiven these people.
Forgiveness is an action.
It is about being able to look at the past as something that you cannot control or change, and accepting it without anger or bitterness. It is about being able to love completely without digging up all of those old hurts. It is about being unafraid of being hurt again. Forgiveness, like love, is about self-sacrifice. It is laying aside your own pride and self-importance in order to cultivate and nurture your relationships.
Memories of the people who hurt me are still affecting me to this day. They affect the way I act towards and perceive others, and they still affect the way I perceive myself. Subconsciously, I still punish and judge everyone – and myself – for the things that have been done to me, including things that I have kept secret from even my family and closest friends. I never realized how long it’s been eating at me from inside simply because I preferred to pretend that I am strong and unaffected.
I realize that I will never be able to change my past. Forgiveness won’t ever make the wrong things right. But it can make my future better.
By myself, I would never be able to forgive some of the worst offenses. But yesterday I prayed that God would give me the strength to finally live free. And I remembered my favorite verse:
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
-Philippians 4:13
