Ok. Let’s get one thing straight. I am single and happy.
When I get pissed off at being asked the question “Why aren’t you married?”, it’s not because I’m bitter for being all alone. I’m ok with people who ask “Are you married?” because it’s an honest question.
But I get irritated when people ask why I’m not married, because that question implies that if you aren’t married in your late twenties, there’s something wrong with you. Also, it is a very personal question that should only be asked by very close friends, not distant relatives and complete strangers. And, worst of all, this dreaded question is part of the reason why so many women settle for sub-standard men; it’s simply so they don’t have to suffer the pressure of being single anymore.
However, despite our polite and diplomatic ways of saying “Bugger off and mind your own business”, some people (especially the ones from the older generation) still insist on pestering us single people at every opportunity.
It used to annoy me to no end, but lately it’s become a challenge of sorts. Not to finally settle down and find a husband (because I have no intention of looking for one) but to find the strangest, most shocking, and most creative ways to get these people to stop asking.
Here are the top 10 that I’ve come up with.
I’m not married because…
10. I’m saving myself for when Melanie Griffith dies and Antonio Banderas is finally free.
9. I see your life and I think: ‘Maybe marriage isn’t the answer.’ (reserve this zinger for a particularly smug and annoying person who’s in a lousy marriage)
8. I have a terrible phobia of white fabric and flowers. Seriously. Silk corsages render me catatonic.
7. …wait, were you a virgin when you got married? (or some other personal query.) When they get offended, put on a truly distressed face and continue with: Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought it was Inappropriate Question Day.
6. I’m just setting the trend; pretty soon a lot of these married people will be joining the singles club again anyway. (I’m just kidding, guys, please try not to become a divorce statistic)
5. I think the bloody chains in my living room scare off most of my dates.
4. I haven’t yet found a guy who’s cool with the whole hermaphrodite thing.
3. According to the prophecy, any offspring of mine will eventually rise to become the Supreme Tyrant Overlord of the world. Tempting as that would be, removing the possibility of procreation is my gift to humanity. You’re welcome. (anything that starts with “according to the prophecy” will work)
2. I dream of the day when I’m 60, single, wrinkled, successful…and rich enough to hire myself a hunky 18-year-old call boy to walk around my mansion in a banana hammock. (I actually used a variation of this on an annoying lady recently and she gave me a WTF look and turned away. LOL!)
1. I’m still not sure whether I’m attracted to men or women. When I finally decide which, I’ll be sure to let you know. And THEN I’ll get married.
Feel free to use any of these and let me know how it goes. Good luck! 🙂
