The recent death of Robin Williams affected me more than I would have expected. For some reason, it hit me really hard. Perhaps because he was such a big part of the formation of my sense of humor (my sisters and I grew up watching Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Aladdin, and we can still quote his lines off the tops of our heads) and his unique brand of comedy was dear to me. But I think mostly it affected me because the nature of his death hits way too close to home.
Lately, people have been starting a dialogue on the topic of depression, but I think many still don’t really understand or know how to deal with it.
Personally, I tried to reach out to a few people at different points in time but was usually met with apathy or disdain. I think it’s very typically human to dismiss anything uncomfortable or unpleasant and try to force things to remain blissfully sunshiny, so I don’t really blame them. I find myself doing it from time to time, which I’m now trying to change.
But now with all of the stories emerging, some from beloved celebrities, and others from friends, both close and casual, I think we could all take some very simple steps to hopefully alleviate some of the burden from those who are suffering from depression.
1) Be kind. The rest of this list is an extension of this very important reminder. Be kind to everyone. Sometimes it’s difficult when the other person is annoying or disagreeable, but it always pays to be kind. Golden Rule.
2) Choose your words carefully. You never know if your words, however unintentional, will cause someone to spiral into depression. I know a girl who became anorexic because just one tactless person said she was fat (she wasn’t). Proverbs 12:18 says: “The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
3) Don’t pick on someone for being different. I remember back in high school, a bunch of girls sent me letters telling me how much they hated me. It wasn’t because I was mean to them, or even did anything to them. They just hated me for being who I was. I’ve always been a weird person, often a loner, and I was cool with that, but that was one of the times in my life when it was literally hell inside my head. It was like they took every single one of the worst things I have ever felt about myself and threw it in my face. I have since made peace with those girls and some of them are now my friends, but that is not always what happens. Be accepting of people with strange and even off-putting personalities. There is a diplomatic way of approaching them; don’t be cruel.
4) Listen. This is so important. When someone pours their heart out to you, don’t offer advice, don’t problem-solve unless it is asked for. Just close your mouth and open your ears. I grew up being taught not to express myself whenever I was angry or upset because nobody wanted to hear it, so I learned to bottle it up instead. So it was always bubbling under the surface, and sometimes exploded rather than being let out in small doses. Kristine became my best friend because she was the only person who ever let me reveal the darkest sides of myself without judging or trying to fix me. We just grew together, and I’m so grateful for that. Some people might not find a friend like that…unless you become that friend. So listen.
5) Don’t casually dismiss or mock someone earnestly asking for help. This is an article written at the beginning of July, when Robin Williams checked himself into rehab. This was a seriously disturbed man making a proactive decision to seek refuge from his demons and yet, among the messages of support, here are some of the comments on the article:
“Old news who cares”
“He’ll do anything for attention”
“Come on, let’s be real. They canceled his lousy series, a poor attempt at a comeback, and now he’s in rehab. The only commitment he has is to poor attempts at comedy.”
“He was never funny, he was just high. Now he’s about to have a breakdown cuz he’s realizing we don’t like him. And he can’t take that.”
“Loser”
“The doctor’s diagnosis was: "Short, very hairy, and not that funny anymore”.“
Isn’t that awful? It really makes me physically sick to think how off-hand comments like these from random strangers could affect a person already going through a hard time. Depression is real. Be sensitive. Don’t kick people when they’re down. Calling a depressed person "attention-seeker” or “kulang sa pansin” or “OA” won’t force them to be un-depressed. It will just make them hide it…until they physically can’t.
I remember a few years back, when my roommate became seriously depressed after a particularly bad breakup (staying in bed for days, not eating, etc), she said that she felt like she would never be happy again. I could have rolled my eyes and told her she was being overly dramatic, but instead I said something along the lines of “I know it feels awful now, I’ve been there and it’s really horrible. But I know you can get through this, it’s just a bad time. I guarantee you, someday you will look back on this and wonder how you could have thought that. Just know that we’re here to help you through it.” Years later, she reminded me of that conversation and how grateful she was for it. Simply caring about and validating another person’s feelings instead of disregarding them can make a HUGE difference.
6) Encourage them to get professional help if it goes out of control. Clinical depression isn’t just a “choice” or a state of mind. It often comes as a result of something actually being wrong in someone’s brain. Therapy and medicine can help, but unfortunately, because of the stigma associated with mental illness, many can’t or won’t seek professional help. Be supportive instead of judgmental. It could mean the difference between life and death.
As for people silently suffering from depression, here are some of the things that worked for me:
- Seek God. I know some people will roll their eyes at this, but I am fairly sure that without Him in my life I would have committed, or would eventually commit suicide at some point. Even when no one would listen, God knew the depths of my heart and heard my cries. Psalm 139:1-2 says “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.” In Him I have found meaning and purpose. The peace I have found in Jesus is what keeps me going on my darkest days. Prayer is my number one tool when I feel the darkness coming on. It doesn’t always stop the depression, but it makes it easier to deal with.
- Help others. Sometimes we get so caught up inside our own heads. I know I often feel exhausted by my constant inner monologue, so much that I need to be watching videos all the time when I’m alone at home, just so my mind can take a break. But doing something good for another human being (or even an animal) can make you step outside yourself and instead focus on someone else’s needs. Volunteer at a charity, a shelter, adopt a stray, do ministry work at church.
- Express yourself. If nobody will talk to you, express your emotions in different ways: music, painting, writing, etc. Creative people are especially prone to depression, a lot more than those who aren’t. Channel that negativity and create something beautiful. Writing in journals and blogging has been especially helpful to me as it creates some semblance of order in my thoughts.
- Find the right friends. It’s okay to have good-time friends, but don’t expect them to be all that supportive when it comes to the real things. You just need one or two people in your life who will be there for you no matter what. But remember, it’s a two-way street! Don’t dump on them when you’re down then dismiss them when it’s the other way around. Stay away from people who are emotional leeches. They will drag you down!
- Push yourself into new experiences. There’s nothing quite like the natural high of something fresh and exciting!
- Exercise. Another awesome natural high. Like Elle Woods said: “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy.” I notice that I almost never get depressed when I am routinely exercising.
- Don’t be afraid to admit that you need help. This world expects us all to be self-sufficient and independent, but we were designed to be social creatures. I myself still struggle with this as I pride myself on being independent. Reach out, talk to someone. If you’re reading this and you need someone to listen, talk to me. You don’t have to go through it alone.
I sincerely hope that this helps someone out there. Know that you are loved, and that you are here for a purpose. Your existence is significant and special. Psalm 139:13-14 says: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home. It’s hard to describe what I felt like then. Picture yourself walking for days in the driving snow; you don’t even know you’re walking in circles. The heaviness of your legs in the drifts, your shouts disappearing into the wind. How small you can feel, and how far away home can be. Home. The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it: In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place.
Robin Williams, Patch Adams
