I just arrived home from a day trip to Abu Dhabi to attend my first ever meeting of the Council of Evangelical Churches, of which Fellowship of the Emirates is a member organization. As far as meetings go, it was pretty uneventful.
What made the day particularly interesting to me was getting to spend time with 3 of the pastors outside the confines of the office. I rode down to Abu Dhabi with our senior pastor, Jim, and his wife Alanda, and rode back up to Dubai with the Aussie duo, associate pastors Warwick and Graham.
It was so sweet to see how Jim treats Alanda. They’ve been married for over 30 years and he still opens doors for her, helps her in and out of the car, and takes her hand going up and down the stairs. While we were having coffee, Jim lovingly examined the necklace that Alanda was wearing and said, “Where did you get this? This is really pretty.” He smiled at her with the eyes of a man looking at the most beautiful woman in the world.
Graham and Warwick shared stories about their marriages.
Warwick told me that a few years back, he and Caroline spent 10 weeks traveling and having fun together, just the two of them, and that he went straight to work the day after they got back. He was preaching at his church, and realized that after spending so much time with his wife, suddenly not having her by his side made him miss her so much. He recalled how, as he mentioned this to the congregation, everybody just went “Awwwwwww!” …which is exactly what I did, as well. They’ve been together for 29 years.
Graham said that he and Michelle are already planning their 20th wedding anniversary (they’ve been together 18 years). I wistfully admitted: “I can’t imagine what it would be like to be with someone that long. A lot of marriages at that point just crumble because couples get sick of each other.” And he said, “I can’t imagine what life would be like without her. When you’re married, you just crave time with your wife.”
It made me think about what a difference it is from what I’ve observed in lots of other marriages. I used to think my parents’ relationship was so rare. I told them about how Mom and Dad work together in the same clinic every day, and still want to go on dates, and sometimes they even make googly eyes at each other through the little window that connects their separate offices.
“I think sometimes it’s a blessing and a curse because it made me so picky…” I began. Then I thought about it for a second and continued, “No, you know what, it’s a blessing. Yes, it keeps me from settling because I see how good it could be and I know that if it’s not a marriage like that, then I don’t want it.”
“It doesn’t just happen,” he replied. “You have to work at it.”
And he’s absolutely right.
The world bombards us left and right with ideas about how romance is the key to a happy relationship…that it’s all about passion and heat and butterflies. That’s part of it, but it’s such a shallow picture compared to the kind of marriage that God has designed.
It’s not about give-and-take either. Nope.
Love is give and give and give and give. And that’s a choice that you have to make over and over again, every day for the rest of your lives. It doesn’t just happen naturally. And I pointed it out.
“Lots of things happen naturally,” Warwick mused. “Sin happens naturally. Growing old happens naturally.”
“Going to the toilet happens naturally,” Graham added helpfully.
But a real, lasting, fulfilling marriage? That takes work.
Thinking about Jim’s tenderness towards Alanda, Warwick’s gushing devotion to Caroline, Graham’s solid commitment to Michelle, my own father’s unconditional love for my mother, as well as the many, many examples of beautiful – imperfect, but beautiful – marriages I’ve witnessed around me lately, I realize that maybe it’s not so rare after all.
Maybe the reason why I believed it to be is that until I gave up on relationships 7 years ago, I had looked everywhere except where God intended me to: among men…real men whose devotion to God fuel their devotion to their wives.
A quote from pastor Paul David Tripp goes: “You never get your ability to love from the person you’re called to love.”
Because the kind of love that gives and gives and gives and gives? It doesn’t come naturally. That can only come from the One who IS love.
