So…I just got back from the first date I’ve been on since 2009. That’s right…it’s been almost 7 years.
I spent an hour trying to figure out what to wear because, quite frankly, I could not for the life of me remember what one wears on a date. I sent my sister, Ria, photos of 3 different outfits before settling on one that was “cute but casual”. My heart was racing as I got ready, not because I was particularly excited…but because I was absolutely terrified.
I tend to overthink everything.
What if he takes one look at me and bolts through the door?
What if he’s boring?
What if we have nothing to say to each other and we end up sitting in silence until someone decides to go home?
What if I start going on one of my insane monologues about the nerdy things I like?
What if I end up liking him? Or he ends up liking me? What then?
What if I end up getting hurt? What if I end up hurting him?
It’s just so exhausting being afraid all the time. For years I refused to even entertain the thought of dating again because of that constant, nagging fear. And this past year and a half God has just shown me over and over again how that fear keeps me from enjoying the freedom He’s given me.
So when this guy asked me out after a couple of months of Whatsapp messages I decided to just go for it.
Don’t get me wrong, I still absolutely love being single (it’s awesome!!!). But I suspect I’ve gotten way too comfortable. Growth requires change, and change is often scary.
As I checked my reflection in the mirror and contemplated backing out for the millionth time, I gave fear a swift kick in the butt. Right before dashing out the door, I made a conscious decision to not expect anything. IT’S JUST A DATE, Ria reminded me.
There was an awkward shaking of hands when we first met. But he was nice enough – cute, intelligent, and interesting. He insisted on paying for the meal. The level of conversation was unusually high…we talked about cultural differences that we’ve observed with different nationalities, about what life was like back home in the UK for him and in the Philippines for me, about the lure of a flashy lifestyle here in Dubai, about our jobs and how they’re tied up in our life’s deepest passions. There was a moment when I started going on about last week’s Comic Con and I told him “If you want to run away now, I completely understand.” That made him laugh.
He was a gentleman and didn’t make any passes at me. As we strolled along The Walk at JBR, he genuinely seemed to want to get to know me. At the end of the night, he dropped me off at home.
As I was taking the elevator up to the apartment, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. What a refreshing experience to be on a date simply for the sake of getting to know another human being! It was great that he turned out to be nice and that I’d had a good time but, more than that, I felt another huge chunk of that built-up wall of fear crumbling into dust.
I whispered a thank you to God for giving me the courage to go out tonight.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to hear from him again, and you know what? I realized that that’s okay. Because whether or not there’s going to be a first second date…I’m no longer standing in my own way for a second first date.
