As the date of my big Euro adventure draws ever closer (38 days and counting!), with everything booked and ready, I find myself strangely less excited and more anxious.
It’s just weird when you’ve been anticipating something for so long and built it up in your head so much…and it finally comes.
It’s overwhelming. I’d been dreaming of this since I was 7 years old. I didn’t dream of a knight in shining armor sweeping me off my feet – I dreamed of getting to see Europe with all of its ancient history, masterful architecture, artwork, and culture. I would read books that described Italy and I would always sigh at the thought of how far-fetched those dreams seemed then for a little island girl like me.
I remember scratching it off the top of my bucket list a few years ago. It’s not healthy to keep dreaming of things that might never happen, I thought. And for a time I simply accepted that. I put that dream in its right place…in God’s hands.
But now that my dream is finally becoming a reality, I wonder whether it can live up to my childhood fantasies.
Then I wonder if that’s even the point.
Psalm 37:4 says,
Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
I used to think that that meant I could simply “pay” God with my so-called devotion and then He would give me everything I wanted. What I found was that putting God at the top of my list instead meant everything else I wanted was pushed down…or out. And the reward for that was far more than I could have dreamed.
The reward was simply being known and loved by the Creator of the universe. It was being able to rest in His presence, unfaithful and imperfect as I am…never deserving it, never earning it, but receiving it anyway. I gave Him a thimble to fill when He has a whole ocean to give. I’ve received forgiveness, redemption, comfort, peace, and a changed heart.
And to top it off, this year He allowed me the time and the means to enjoy something to which I doubted I’d ever have the chance. It boggles the mind. I don’t know why He allowed all this, but I’m grateful.
So I guess I shouldn’t be anxious. Whether or not my trip will be everything I expected it to be, everything I already have is an amazing gift. I can’t begin to understand how wide and how long and how high and how deep is the love of Christ.
