More than a year after, looking back on our wedding and the lead-up to it reminds me of God’s goodness and faithfulness even in times of struggle – and that He makes all things beautiful in His time.
The one piece of information I wish someone had given me as soon as Jesse and I got engaged is that the days leading up to the wedding will be some of the worst in your entire relationship. I’ve never hidden the fact that the idea of marriage had terrified me for many years. But as the stress of wedding planning and going through several intense preparation courses at our church piled up, the seriousness of the life-changing decision we were about to make weighed heavily on both of us.
Nearly every day, I wildly swung between being excited for the future and wanting to run away from it. I had several meltdowns. Poor Jesse had to endure all of my mood swings and outbursts, all while realizing he was about to be stuck with me forever.
I felt somewhat reassured when a friend of ours from church said that it bodes well for a marriage when you fully grasp the weight of a covenant and still go through with it. But even as our guests started arriving from the all over the world a few days before the wedding, as I felt the anxiety somewhat dulled and distracted by the excitement of meeting Jesse’s family and getting to see mine all together, I was still definitely getting cold feet.
The day before the wedding, we shuttled both our families together on a bus to our venue in the mountains of Hatta. My best friend, Kristine, had flown in from South Africa, and she roomed with me that night. My sisters joined us for a mini-bachelorette party in our room after dinner, celebrating with cake and a few glasses of bubbly, which did calm my nerves a bit. Jesse, meanwhile, was at the hotel bar with his family.
Much later, after my sisters had left for their own rooms and Kristine was already in bed, I got a message from Jesse saying he was taking Meeka out for a walk and that I should come out to talk for a few minutes. I came out and quietly shut the door behind me. Both of us were a little merry from our respective parties and I was just so happy to see him and the furball. He said he thought we should pray before we went to sleep, because we wouldn’t see each other until we were at the altar.
I hugged him tight and I don’t even remember exactly what we prayed about, but I felt all the doubt, anxiety, and fear just melt away in that moment. I was assured that our future was not in our own hands, but in God’s, bringing to mind this verse: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)
I slept like a baby after that.
The wedding day was about as perfect as I could have hoped. It was just as we had planned – simple, meaningful, and full of joy.
I calmly had breakfast, left the rest of the details to the people to whom I had entrusted them (we’d organized the entire event ourselves) and didn’t worry about them anymore. I just relaxed into my role as the bride.
My hair and makeup team got to work. My family started showing up one by one, some to also get their makeup done, and some already all dressed up. The photo and video team started documenting the occasion. I was ready with 30 minutes to spare before the ceremony, possibly a world record!
A few friends started arriving and dropped by the room to say hi. It got a bit crowded, but it was such a high to have so many loved ones in one place.
I peered out the window overlooking the lawn and saw that everything had come together and guests had already arrived. Everyone piled out of the room to their places while I stayed behind, out of sight.
Then the music started. Pastor Tim started walking toward the altar, and I saw Jesse in his nice blue suit (the one that complements his eyes so well) following soon after. A small wedding procession made up of his brother (and best man), his mom, dad and stepmother, and my parents, made its way to the ceremony.
Kristine walked ahead of me, then the song I chose so long ago started to play, Heaven’s Knife by Josh Garrels.
Take my hand
I won’t let go
We’ve waited so long
And all my life
I walked alone
To you, my heart, my home
Surrounded by many of our closest friends and family, I purposefully walked down the aisle, unescorted, to my groom. He took my hand and we both paid respects to our parents before walking up to the altar.
Pastor Tim gave a beautiful message, reminding us of many things he and his wife, Amy, had already said to us during our weeks of counseling – the meaning of Christian marriage, how it reflects God’s relationship with His people, and the importance of dying to ourselves for one another daily.
I am proud to say that our self-written vows made at least a dozen people cry, but I won’t write them here. And I’m even prouder to say that I made it through the entire ceremony without crying!
The rest of the evening was fun and full of music, food, and laughter. I will forever treasure the memories we made with our family and friends.
Over a year later, I’m so happy that I pushed past my fears and chose to marry Jesse. No regrets!
